eMDLifeJournal

Few days ago, June 15th the world's celebrate their father.. "Father's Day". I've red few blogs upbringing the appreciation of their father in the reason of raising them.. feeding and all. Some of them consider their father as a role model, their hero.. I remember the one time Kak Farhana ask all students in my lecture's group - whose your hero in family.. Everyone commend their father as their hero..

My parents divorced.. I don't really know if I were to hate my father for given up his family.. As what I heard from my mom.. They met each other long time ago before i was born (of coz' is it). Married at a very young age and not entirely out of love. I don't know if it is love that I feel for my father or it is just that I longed for father's love.. Haha.. Funny that some of us, might not be able to know what it feels like when you get to love by your father. And for me, it was short time to feel what it feels like to have a father. And I never see my father ever since my parents divorced. What would you feel if one day you were with your father and one morning he gone.. Most importantly what if you know that your mere existence in this world is not even a seed of your parents love together?? A totally different story huh!! You might think how come I didn't appreciate my father that much. But, have to put in your mind.. Not everyone are the same, most importantly no father can do as much as the other fathers does.

Since I was little I had to witness their arguement, quarelling like a 5 years old child, I get to live with this whole drama. And there is this one time I heard my sister crying.. Tear?? I never wanna see any tears fall from anyone around me.. I can't help it but get upset.. Even when my mother get scolded by my father, harsh word came out from my father say things bout my mother cheating - she silence, patient all her way... The thing 'bout my father is that he never scolded his kids or harm them even when he get too angry.. Things I couldn't help is he gave up on the family..

You probably not gonna know what it feels like to hate your very own father. And I do appreciate even when he show us his love not just bribe us with money. He think that I'll ever forgive him for that bribe.. I know when he had nothing... no thing to give us in return for cave in the family once he had - and yes, his married. But, giving out money???? I never think that the love I longed for.

In the mean time, I'd love to have a father. I'd kill to have a father that love me as and the family much as any perfect father does.

p/s I bet I never gonna be a good father!!